I was debt free and owned a house when Marie and I got together and now I am $60000 in debt with a payment scheduled to end when I am 79 years old. I sold my house in Richmond and needed an additional $25000 to get this house in Memphis. I have worked hard all of my life , putting an incredible amount of time into working to support my children and myself. I have been homeless nore than once and am now looking at working 55 hours a week till I am 79, that is to maintain status quo with no room for vehicle replacement or a retirement fund. this puts me in a position that is prohibitive to any social life, I work long hours 6 days a week and on Sunday go to church and do all the chores around the house . so I have this major question WHAT is the point ? I had worked 60 to 80 hours a week for 20 years to support my Children and in doing so I was denied a meaningful relationship with them.. Jacob , my youngest has been living with me for a few years and we are just starting to talk since he was bitter since I was not there for him when he was younger , things were looking well we had a family some spare cash , a good life . now with Marie gone we don’t talk too much but he is 16 and being cool does not mean talking to dad. I am working an ungodly amount of hours to stay ahead, Feel as if God has abandoned me ,” 0” friends aside from work mates with little or no time to make new friends , I feel empty, trapped , discouraged , alone , what is the point ? what is the answer? This is where I am at the place of deep questioning, not counting my blessings , this is truly the lowest point of my life, the farthest from the Lord and savior Jesus . If life were a choice for me to choose I would choose death for there is eternity with Jesus waiting. September 23 1998. I had made a decision concerning a desire to be reconciled to God and restored to faith. in making this decision I had determined that would get back to painting as I should have been all along I physically went to paint but wound up doing other stuff , John 4: 10 did not have to wait long once the decision to stop feeling sorry for myself was made. A long weekend was coming up for labor day and I was going to just paint , BUT thursday before laborday I became very ill and instead of painting I had emergency surgery and lost part of my colon , the same pattern as before , the surgeon told me that i was septic but for some unknown reason a sack developed around the area and kept the poison in , the Dr.Harold Weng at St. Joseph hospital near Mt. Clemens , could not explain how that happened , also this was a result of me smoking , the tar built up and plugged up an artery which killed the colon and it turned to gangrene . Ladies from the church behind my house brought food to me for a couple weeks and I felt very blessed., I was in intensive care for a while and I never wanted to smoke again , I did not quit , it was just gone ,
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